Dear Penny: My Estranged Husband is Inconsistent With His Financial Contributions. What Should I Do?
I am married but separated for seven months, and my husband of seven years and I are having trouble seeing eye to eye.
When we first got married, he contributed somewhat financially, but it’s been inconsistent ever since. He knew I needed a car, and he paid the down payment. I spent the next four years paying it off without help from him. He used to help pay for some utilities but doesn’t contribute anymore.
My mother passed two years ago, and I inherited her property with a 10-spot RV park. We were taking care of it together, but he’s stopped helping with that. We split the cost to remodel the kitchen and living room on the property, but he only finished half of the job.
I get nothing for Christmas or Valentine’s Day. I’ve always bought all of the Christmas gifts for the family without his help. We went on a cruise for my birthday, but he ruined that by breaking the toilet seat in anger.
I have two lawnmowers that he says he will fix, but he did a few things and didn’t fix them, then said he wouldn’t work on them anymore if someone else touches them. I can’t mow this RV park!
Is this normal? What should I do?
— At Wit’s End
Dear Wit’s,
I’ll be blunt: This sounds like more than an issue of not “seeing eye to eye.” This sounds like a toxic and possibly abusive relationship.
Not all abuse is physical (although ruining a vacation with a violent outburst certainly is). Financial abuse can include all kinds of controlling or manipulative behaviors that harm your financial situation.
This might look from the outside like a case of someone who simply doesn’t do his fair share, but the situations you’ve described sound more intentional and manipulative to me. Offering a little support and then taking it away, setting arbitrary rules that prevent you from getting things done, allowing you to shoulder the financial responsibility of the household — this sounds like a pattern of behavior that disrespects and controls you.
But I’m not a relationship expert, and I can’t diagnose your situation after reading one letter. I encourage you to take advantage of your separation to assess your situation and connect with some professionals who can help you decide what to do next. You can find free and low-cost support groups and therapy services through training clinics, community health centers, a spiritual community, online groups, the VA and more. You can also connect with advocates for victims of domestic abuse through the National Domestic Violence Hotline, statewide advocacy groups and your local YWCA.
If you have access to a financial planner or lawyer, speak with them about ownership over your assets so you’re crystal clear about what you’d own and what you’d have to split if you were to pursue a divorce.
Dana Miranda is a Certified Educator in Personal Finance® and author of YOU DON’T NEED A BUDGET. She writes Healthy Rich, a newsletter about how capitalism impacts the ways we think, teach and talk about money.
