Dear Penny: Our Kid Doesn’t Want Me To Sell My Abusive Late Husband’s Property.
I have three adult children. I was with their father for 25 years and married for two years before he passed. Everything accomplished was by my sweat and tears. It was a terrible, abusive relationship. I stayed for my kids, but that was a bad decision on my part.
He left me 20 acres of unusable land (no sewer, no road to get to it, no electricity) worth between $10,000 and $20,000. No one has been there in over 20 years. I’m trying to update my home and need to sell this property.
It’s been seven years since his passing. I’m finally in a kind and gentle relationship with someone who treats me right. Now one of my children has assigned importance to this place and made me feel guilty for trying to sell. What can I do?
— Trying to Move On
Dear Move On,
The simple answer in this situation is that you inherited the land from your husband, so you have the sole right to use it or sell it as you please. Unfortunately, that’s not an easy answer, because this is about much more than money and ownership.
A child’s relationship with an abusive parent is complicated. You might be celebrating entering a kinder phase of life free from abuse. For you, selling this land is a way to disconnect from your late husband’s choices and move forward. For your child, selling the land might mean losing a remaining connection to their father or missing out on a potential inheritance that might be the only way he was able to offer them any support.
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None of this means you should feel guilty selling the land, though. Children aren’t owed an inheritance, and being a parent doesn’t mean you forfeit your right to live life for yourself. It just helps to consider what your kid might be bringing to this conversation.
Make the decision that’s right for you (with your new partner, if that makes sense), and take that to your child. Be prepared to stay firm in the decision you’ve made, but also make room to understand why this property suddenly holds meaning for them. If it’s a purely financial concern, maybe you could negotiate a way to split the proceeds among you and your children or discuss with them your plans for passing on your estate after you die. If the connection is emotional, explore that, and see if you can come up with another way to address the emotional need the property is filling for them.
Dana Miranda is a Certified Educator in Personal Finance® and author of YOU DON’T NEED A BUDGET. She writes Healthy Rich, a newsletter about how capitalism impacts the ways we think, teach and talk about money.
