Dear Penny: My Husband Refuses To Discuss His Finances With Me. Is This Normal?
I’ve been married for 20 years, separated for 10 years. Four years ago, my husband moved into my house, which I bought using my credit only. However, since we live in Tennessee, his name is on the deed. I pay all the household expenses, although he makes more money than I. He contributes $1,300 every two weeks.
I had to beg him to contribute financially, after he contributed nothing for the first year. He has no retirement savings, no life insurance, no savings. He intends to live off of my retirement. He will not tell me how much money he makes, or let me see his Social Security statement. However, I saw one statement and know that he’s always made more money than I. I would like for him to relinquish his paycheck to me so I can plan for retirement and pay the household bills more effectively. He refuses to discuss. Is this normal?
— Trapped in Secrets
Dear Trapped,
This kind of financial secrecy and exploitation is not normal between any two people, least of all a married couple. Only you can fully understand the context of your situation, but secrecy and exploitation that keeps you tethered to a relationship could be a form of financial abuse.
Tennessee is not a community property state, so a spouse isn’t automatically entitled to equal ownership of your assets. You could speak with a lawyer about splitting your home’s equity based on your respective contributions and removing him from the deed. This would likely be easier to achieve if you do it as part of a divorce proceeding, but you can work with the lawyer to avoid that step if it isn’t right for you.
If you can remove your husband from the deed of the house, you can move forward with a formal agreement that treats him as a tenant in the house you own. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to force him to give you his full paycheck to use as needed, but a formal lease agreement with him could help with your management of the household.
Once your husband is eligible to receive Social Security retirement benefits, you’ll be eligible to receive half of the amount of his benefits as spouse’s benefits (your collecting benefits doesn’t affect the amount he receives), if it’s more than the retirement benefits you’re entitled to on your own. Because you were married for at least 10 years, you maintain this eligibility whether you’re married or divorced from him, unless you remarry.
If he hasn’t been forthcoming, you may have to involve a lawyer to get access to the financial information you need to plan for your future. Legal and informal separation don’t break financial ties between a married couple, so your ability to litigate this conflict could be limited as long as you remain married.
If you feel stuck in the situation because of financial (or other) abuse, you can connect with a YWCA or similar local organization or seek a victim advocate to guide you through leaving the relationship safely and with financial security. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can get you in touch with resources in your area: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Dana Miranda is a Certified Educator in Personal Finance® and author of YOU DON’T NEED A BUDGET. She writes Healthy Rich, a newsletter about how capitalism impacts the ways we think, teach and talk about money.
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