Why a Money Talk is the Most Romantic Thing You Can Do This Valentine’s Day
February brings visions of pink hearts, candies and candle-lit dinners. However, we think this Valentine’s Day you should add something new to your plans — a money talk. We know it’s not as glamorous, but if done right, a financial conversation might be the most important thing you do for your relationship.
How a Money Talk is Good for Relationships
According to the American Institute of CPAs, 7 in 10 married or cohabiting Americans report having financial disagreements with their partner in the past year. Common disagreements include whether or not to go out to eat or whether credit card debt is acceptable. In fact, 1 in 4 couples say discussions about money are one of the greatest challenges in their relationship.
Unfortunately, it then makes sense that 34% of divorces cite financial stress as a major contributing factor in their decision to split. This stress isn’t just from not having enough money. It’s also disagreements over how to spend, save and plan for the money they have. Another study found married couples who disagreed about finances once a week were over 30% more likely to get a divorce than people who only disagreed a few times a month.
Basically, as much as we’d like to say we’re all above the effect of money, money matters, and if you’re not careful how you handle it, it can have a devastating effect on your relationship.
So what’s the solution? Enter financial intimacy and the money talk.
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Seeking Financial Intimacy
You’ve probably heard of financial infidelity, but we think you should also know its counterpart — financial intimacy. While financial infidelity represents a partner being dishonest about finances in their relationships (43% of us admit to doing just that), financial intimacy is a state of being honest and open about finances with your partner. It’s not about auditing each other’s bank account down to the penny. Instead, it’s about building trust through honest disclosure of financial information and choices. Financial intimacy allows you to connect and plan financially as a couple and hopefully limit financial disagreements.
So if you’re ready for an open, honest financial relationship this Valentine’s Day, it’s time to talk money.
How to Successfully Have a Money Talk
Whether you’ve just begun a relationship or you’ve been married for years, we all know it’s important to have an open dialogue about money. But that task is often easier said than done. Money is taboo in many cultures for a reason: It’s a loaded subject. Couples often come into money conversation feeling stressed and defensive from the get go, making financial intimacy nearly impossible. So before we dive into what to talk about, here are some guidelines on how to talk about money with your partner.
Schedule It
Our first tip is pretty straightforward. Get your money discussion on the calendar ahead of time. No one is going to be honest if they feel ambushed or like a conversation is reactionary, so pick a date and get it scheduled. Be sure to pick a time with few distractions and when you both have the bandwidth for discussion. Creating this plan will also help you find any information that you need to discuss ahead of time.
Agree to Come as Equals
Before you begin talking, agree to come to this discussion as equals. It doesn’t matter who makes more money or who traditionally runs the finances, you both want to be on the same page. This might mean answering questions about terminology or withholding judgement on financial decisions.
Be Open and Honest
It should go without saying, but in order to have a successful discussion, it has to be an honest one. This isn’t the time to downplay your spending or hide your credit card bill. Instead, focus on sharing a true reflection of your finances.
Focus on Listening, Not Judgement
This point goes hand and hand with being honest. If we expect our partners to be honest, then we need to check our judgments at the door. This meeting should be more about understanding your finances than an opportunity to criticize or hold your partner accountable. This does not mean that you can’t discuss changes or decisions that you disagree with, it just means you have to do so with a mind to understand.
What Should You Actually Talk About?
You won’t have a successful money talk if you go into it with no idea what to talk about. While a lot of the specifics of what you talk about will depend on the status of your personal relationship, here are some ideas and questions to get the ball rolling.
1. What is the Important Financial Information?
To start off, there are some financial building blocks of financial health that every long term couple should be discussing. If you’re in a long-term committed relationship, we hope you already are privy to the basics of each other’s financial situations. If not, it’s time to lay it all out. In reality, you don’t have to discuss every transaction, but you do want to have an overall understanding of where you are both at financially.
Start by reviewing information on your income, credit score, debt, student loans, child support responsibilities, etc. This information should help you both feel in the know with your financial status — no surprises. While this might seem overwhelming or even scary, being vulnerable will build trust that allows you to tackle problems as a couple.
2. How was Money Handled in Your Home Growing Up?
Many of us don’t realize how much our feelings around money come from our past. Maybe you come from a family that was big on savings and frugality while your partner comes from a family that spent until the paycheck was gone. This background could result in some disagreements.
To begin, you might start with some simple questions like:
- Did you receive an allowance?
- Did you feel like money was tight growing up?
- What was your first job?
- What is your earliest memory surrounding money?
All of these questions will help you and your partner unpack your relationship with money and why certain things matter to you.
3. What are Your Feelings about Debt?
American households had an average of $105,056 in debt in 2024. Whether we like it or not, debt is a part of our modern money landscape, which is why it’s important for a couple to understand each other’s beliefs surrounding debt. Some things you might consider discussing:
- What’s your general opinion on debt?
- What purchases are worth going into debt?
- What balance amount (if any) are you comfortable carrying on a credit card?
- How do you approach repaying debt?
- (If you’re currently paying off debt) What do you think of our progress?
Debt does not have to be a dealbreaker, but it is important to be on the same page about what kind of debt you’re comfortable with and what you want to avoid.
4. How Do You Feel About Our Current Division of Finances?
Many committed couples choose to combine finances, but some choose to keep them separate and simply divide expenses. Asking about your current financial divisions will help you adjust to new circumstances as they arise and check in on how things are working for each partner.
You might also consider discussing how the money management labor is split between you. There can be a lot of work associated with financial planning, so it’s important to evaluate how it’s going. You might find ways to lighten the load by using a budgeting app or hiring a financial planner. Check out some of our favorite budgeting apps for couples that are easy to use and can help you take better control of your money.
5. What are Your Current Financial Goals?
Whether you just started dating or you’re celebrating your 50th anniversary, it’s always good to talk about what excites you and set goals.
Think about both short-term and long-term goals. Maybe you’re saving to buy a house in the next year, but don’t forget to also talk about the kind of lifestyle you want when you retire.
In the grind of everyday life, it can be easy to lose sight of what we want out of tomorrow, so make the time to talk about it and set goals that will motivate you both. Goals can also change, so discussing them regularly can keep you connected as a committed couple. You may even learn something new about your partner in the process.
6. If You had $1,000, What Would You Buy?
This question is here to remind you that a money talk can be fun. While the specific money amount might change depending on what represents a real splurge for you, this question can reveal your partner’s wishes and desires. Don’t be embarrassed and answer honestly or even make a game out of it and try to guess the other person’s. If you don’t know what you’d do with that money, we have some ideas.
On To More Romantic Pursuits
Obviously, we don’t think Valentine’s Day is the only day you should discuss finances with your partner. But in the interest of protecting your relationship, it makes it a pretty good day to start.
A true money talk should bring you and your partner closer together and develop a foundation of financial trust that will save you from discord later on. And what better way to celebrate your love this season than by protecting it from financial trouble.
Contributor Whitney Hansen covers banking, credit cards and investing for The Penny Hoarder. She also writes on other personal finance topics.
